It’s that time of year again, as everyone becomes a film critic for a night. Everyone discusses the Oscars with their own brand of expertise, and everyone has their predictions. Some come those who have been watching every Oscar nominated film from last year, some have seen a few of the nominees and have decided that these are the worthy few, and some just watch the buzz and give their best guesses. Needless to say, the event is almost critiqued as much as the films the ceremony honors.
Here at ReviewSTL we are going to be running a live blog of the ceremony, providing some commentary on the situation, and maybe a few awful jokes here and there. Be sure to check out Kevin’s predictions here.
6:20PM – Red carpet is well underway. I’d comment on what people are wearing, but I’m too busy trying figure out the dollar amount of the plastic surgery of each person on the red carpet.
6:21PM – Daniel Radcliffe’s first time at the Oscars? If most child star’s careers are any indication, it could be his last.
6:25PM – Apparently the Oscars have now taken marketing tips from the Travelocity gnome.
6:30PM – Just an hour away until I start yelling at the TV that the Academy made the wrong choices. They already made their biggest mistake by not nominating “Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” for every category.
6:32PM – Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s first time at the Oscars too? I take what I said about child actor’s back. That guy is going places. I need to become his friend before he becomes superfamous, wait that already happened? Well..shit…
6:35PM – Luckily my girlfriend is already used to watching me yell at the TV during hockey games. At least this time she’ll understand why I’m yelling.
6:39PM – Bradley Cooper brought his mom to the Oscars. If I’m ever able to go to the Oscars I won’t be bringing my mom, but I’ll let her drive me.
6:41PM – As much as I love watching super rich people talk about the expensive dresses they are wearing, I’m going to go eat some super unhealthy food to gain energy to write this live blog.
7:10PM – Taking a break from my dinner to tell everyone it delicious. You’re welcome.
7:13PM – I want to go somewhere where someone asks me what I’m wearing. Just so I can respond, “This splendid piece is a hoodie that was on sale at Target.”
7:16PM – Anne Hathaway correctly guessed that Dorothy’s ruby red shoes were in the box. My guess was Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!”
7:18PM – Even with an injury, Kristen Stewart is one of the most boring people in Hollywood.
7:21PM – “Oh my favorite part is on! They are interviewing the exec producers of the Oscars” – said no one ever.
7:23PM – I’m going to write a movie about the heist of Oscar statuettes, and then I’m going to win an Oscar for it. So meta.
7:25PM – Just five minutes to go. We finally don’t have to listen to these vapid assholes, and now get to move onto different vapid assholes.
7:30PM – Started right on time. Seth McFarlene is already being played off by the orchestra.
7:32PM – McFarlene’s jokes aren’t hitting very hard. I’m hoping they bring out Ted before long.
7:33PM – Daniel Day-Lewis looks so nice, is that for a role he is doing right now?
7:35PM – A Chris Brown/Rihanna joke? Super original. Did they just take jokes from the front page of Reddit?
7:36PM – Seth McFarlene just told us almost a billion people are watching? Almost all of them are disappointed by his jokes already.
7:37PM – Seth McFarlene is offensive tonight? Ricky Gervais is dying of laughter right now.
7:40PM – Just wait until they bust out the stripper pole for Channing Tatum…
7:44PM – Luckily, nothing can ever be as bad as James Franco. The bar was set pretty low for tonight.
7:47PM – Maybe it is because I just saw “Book of Mormon”, but I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone should write the Oscars telecast next year. I’m being totally serious this time.
7:51PM – Christoph Waltz has won twice on two nominations. He’s a great actor, and he was also my prediction for the award. However, almost any of the men in this category could have won and it would have been deserved.
7:51PM – Jack Nicholson kind of looks creepy tonight. So, another normal night at the Oscars.
7:56PM – I want Paul Rudd to be my best friend. He would overshadow me big time, but at least I could be a slobbering sycophant.
7:58PM – I haven’t seen “Paperman”, but wow that animation looks incredible. Going to be tracking that one down.
7:59PM – Another prediction I nailed. 2 for 2 on the major categories. I should’ve put money down in Vegas, but I’m too lazy to do that. I personally would’ve liked to see something other than “Brave” win, but at least the animation was incredible, when the story wasn’t.
8:03PM – “Life of Pi” makes me want a pet tiger. “Beasts of the Southern Wild” makes me never want to go south of New Orleans. Very different feelings.
8:06PM – Where is Chris Hemsworth? Back in Asgard?
8:07PM – If Samuel L. Jackson killed someone on live TV it would instantly make it the best Oscars broadcast of all time.
8:08PM – Well, I didn’t call that one correctly. Who knew that Lucius Malfoy became a cinematographer after leaving the Death Eaters?
8:10PM – Another one I got wrong. This night is starting to go downhill fast. Where’s my scotch?
8:11PM – Is it just me or do Ang Lee and his wife look exactly alike?
8:12PM – If they want people to get off the stage in their allotted time, they just need to hold a gun to the head of a loved one of whoever is on stage. Could be messy, but could also make some great acceptance speeches.
8:17PM – Jennifer Aniston has only one more botox visit until her frequent customer rewards card is filled up.
8:19PM – There is a person named Peter Swords King? Move over Benedict Cumberbatch. You’ve been upstaged.
8:22PM – How many virgins does Halle Berry have to sacrifice to look that good?
8:23PM – This Bond tribute reminds everyone that they could be watching something so much better than the Oscars.
8:26PM – I heard a better rendition of this at a drag show last year.
8:28PM – Do you think that Timothy Dalton introduces himself as “obviously in the top 10 actors to ever portray James Bond”?
8:33PM – Doesn’t really matter how good these short films are, it’s unlikely any of you will ever see any of them. Sad, but true.
8:35PM – I just went and checked my Oscar picks on the official site, and I did pick “Life of Pi” for best Cinematography. I’m sure none of you care, but I just want to rub in how much better I am than you.
8:38PM – Liam Neeson shows so much emotion that it is hard not to be moved when he speaks. Oh wait, I meant he’s so boring that I almost fell asleep. (Please don’t kill me Liam.)
8:39PM – I’m still not getting why Ben Affleck isn’t nominated for Best Director this year. Affleck should be in there before Spielberg is this year.
8:41PM – Kyle Chandler is only going to take roles where he plays a member of the CIA now.
8:44PM – I still have yet to see “Searching for Sugar Man”, still upset we didn’t get a screener for that one. Sony Classics sucks…and is awesome at the same time. It’s quite a conundrum.
8:50PM – I’m winning out of all my friends according to the Oscars website. I might lose in fantasy hockey this week, but at least I can find a way to be superior still.
8:53PM – Oh damn, I was hoping the orchestra was playing Seth McFarlene off stage.
8:54PM – I don’t see how anyone could think John Travolta is gay? I mean, most straight men love musical theater this much…………
8:55PM – Did I turn on the Tony’s?
8:58PM – Jennifer Hudson sounds absolutely incredible. I’m going to try my own rousing rendition of this in the shower tomorrow, because it’s going to be stuck in my head for the next week.
9:00PM – That is the type of performance that deserves a standing ovation. Not even going to joke about that one.
9:01PM – Tomorrow I start my script for “Wolverine: The Musical”.
9:05PM – Why don’t we see many musicals these days? At one point they were the films that ruled Hollywood.
9:09PM – I didn’t recognize Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana without the lens flare.
9:11PM – WAIT TED IS REAL????
9:11PM – Oh, damn, my girlfriend just informed me it’s computer graphics. Those damn computers fooled me again!
9:15PM – A tie at the Oscars? A more informed person would tell you the last time that happened. Instead, I’m going to focus on how that guy has a herpe on his face.
9:19PM – A “Sound of Music” joke? I’ll let it slide because Christopher Plummer is beyond awesome.
9:24PM – Anne Hathaway is a manic pixie dream girl. I wonder how many creepy “fan” letters she gets a week?
9:27PM – Wow…”Nashville” looks terrible…
9:29PM – Now a word from our Academy President…it’s time for everyone to change the channel for a few minutes.
9:32PM – Why is Sandra Bullock wearing a bedazzled bluetooth headset?
9:34PM – “Argo” with best editing. Still doesn’t make up for not being in Best Directing category.
9:35PM – Do you think Jennifer Hudson is going to give Adele dieting tips?
9:44PM – Quentin Tarantino looks like he won’t be asking Nicole Kidman to be in one of his films anytime soon.
9:47PM – “Amour” – the Best Picture film almost none of the viewing audience has seen. Yeah…that one will win.
9:48PM – Xanax is missing the boat by not having Kristen Stewart as their spokesperson.
9:50PM – In case of emergency, Selma Hayek can also be used as a flotation device.
9:57PM – The saddest part of the show, being presented by one of the most handsome men ever, to further depress anyone watching.
10:01PM – Is it morbid that my favorite part of the Oscars is the “In Memoriam” section?
10:03PM – Nevermind, Barbra Steisand ruined it…
10:08PM – My girlfriend, Kate, wanted me to say something about how different Renee Zellweger looks, but I try not to think about her because I don’t want to have nightmares.
10:09PM – I think it is impossible to say Anna Karenina without sounding like you have a stutter.
10:14PM – You think “Ted” can pull an upset in the Best Original song category?
10:17PM – I heard Adele traded her baby for an Oscar. It might be a rumor, but I’m going to keep it as a fact.
10:22PM – This is still going on? Some of us still have to photoshop nip slips into tonight’s photos.
10:25PM – Another win for “Argo”. Does this signal a Best Picture win for a film that wasn’t nominated for Best Director?
10:26PM – Just once I’d like to see an acceptance speech where no one is thanked, and instead talks about how great they are. Wait, Tarantino juts won, maybe it will happen?
10:27PM – Tarantino looks like he belongs on the sexual offenders list.
10:31PM – The show was supposed to end a minute ago, and we still have a number of categories left. It didn’t seem like too many people ran over. Why do they always run so far behind?
10:34PM – And the Oscar goes to Ang Lee…because we forgot to nominate Ben Affleck. You can see Ben crying into his millions of dollars.
10:36PM – Did Ang Lee just tell his wife that he love her long time?
10:43PM – Jennifer Lawrence fell while heading to stage, but she has an Oscar and you don’t. So, take that!
10:45PM – Meryl Streep pretty much gave a speech that said, “Yeah, all your stuff was good, but there is no way any of you are beating Daniel Day-Lewis, better luck next year.”
10:48PM – What is with the Oscars showing the most pivotal scenes in a film? Spoilers people! SPOILERS!
10:49PM – Daniel Day-Lewis could possibly be the best actor who has ever lived. “Lincoln” was really slow at times, but his performance was absolutely captivating.
10:53PM – Michelle Obama is starting her acting career after her husband leaves office.
10:55PM – “Argo” gets Best Picture, well deserved. Still think Affleck was robbed, but he was the bomb in Phantoms.
11:00PM – Annnnndddddd that’s all folks. Hope you didn’t get as many predictions right as I did.