Local, Opinion

Top 5 Best Onion Articles Ever!

Posted: January 31, 2010 at 3:42 pm   /   by   /   comments (1)

This is really just an excuse to share a bunch of stories I find absolutely hilarious. The Onion is the socially relevant satire newspaper whose insights amaze me sometimes. So, here is a list of some of my favorites.

1. But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

This is an Onion article that had me depressed, angry, and doubled over in laughter at the same time.  The Onion did an opinion piece that seemed to come directly from some of my experiences from dating. The article is in the point of view of a girl (one of a type you’ve most likely met before) who is explaining why you should be just friends, even though it is obvious you are just the placeholder for a boyfriend. This shows one of the strengths of The Onion, being brutally accurate in satire.

Excerpt: Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I’d call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn’t answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don’t even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

2. F*** Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

This is the article that made me a regular reader of The Onion.  The article is in the form of a fake press release Gillette after the release of rival company’s four bladed razor. What makes it funnier? The company release a five bladed razor less than two years later.

Excerpt: Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f***ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our c**** in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, f*** it. We’re going to five blades.

3. Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

The US had just experienced one of the nastiest divides in recent memory, with the person elected not even winning the popular vote. There was some frustration among the populace, and The Onion highlighted those views of President Bush in a funny article that seemed more like an oracle, than a satire article. Reading this after Bush left office it makes you wonder if he used this article as a checklist.

Excerpt: “We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two,” Bush said. “Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation’s hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it.”

4. God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule

Satire is something that is incredibly hard to do when something like September 11th occurred. As you remember, people were very sensitive to any thing that might even closely remember anti-American sentiment. Luckily, The Onion was able to find something to comment on, and did with a kind of grace you wouldn’t have expected from a humor site.

Excerpt: “I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m f***ing serious!”

5. Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

Love him or hate him, President Obama created a bigger media stir during an election than any president to date. His campaign rallies were huge, and he was actually attacked for being too popular at one point. Since he was the first major party candidate who also happened to be black man, it meant that someone had to comment on it. Many people did, some to show how far our nation had some, others to show just how backwards parts of our nation still are, but The Onion made it a joke like it really should be.

Excerpt: After his initial requests for change, the black man rambled nonstop on a variety of unrelated topics, calling for affordable health care, demanding that the government immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq, and proposing a $75 billion economic stimulus plan to create new jobs.

Honorable Mentions:

CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil’s Minor Works

God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back To All His N*****

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My C***?

Al Gore Places Infant Son In Rocket To Escape Dying Planet

Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

Fire Truck! Fire Truck! Fire Truck!

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8

Let us know in the comments what your favorite Onion articles are!