Dear Harry Potter:
We’ve had a long relationship, you and I. And even though I was a hipster twit and refused to notice you until after a couple of your books were published, I still will miss the way you’ve kept me company late at night for so many years. Because now, it’s time to say goodbye.
And it’s a tearful goodbye on so many levels. I know you wanted to go out with a bang, but your final movie, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, just didn’t have enough gunpowder. First, you dropped me right into the middle of the story. I know, I know - you’re thinking “Well duh, Allison, this IS the second installment of the big finale.” But I thought you’d be kind enough to first give me a brief recap of some issues that I haven’t thought about in months. Moreover, that first 15 minutes or so was kind of boring. It was a good thing Hermoine saved your and Ron’s asses on that dragon; otherwise, I was about to nap for a bit!
Speaking of Ron, he just kind of hung around and looked a) frightened, b) confused and c) horny, didn’t he? I realize that the book unfortunately painted him the same way, but it was your movie, Harry! Give your best friend some more stuff to do!
I’m kind of disappointed that you disrespected additional friends, Harry. I’m not going to name names, but you could have made a bigger deal about them. Sure, you had a ton of stuff to take care of at the time, but you didn’t have to ignore their deaths almost entirely. They were, as our nation’s vice president likes to say, a big effing deal, since they saved your hide a few times without much reward. I like your friends, Harry, and I want to properly mourn them when they pass away!
Let’s talk about the ending, shall we? It seems that you’re the type of guy who likes to die and then pop up all “Look, I’m not really dead, see? Ha ha!” That sort of sours my opinion of you, Harry. I mean, if you were going to do that, you should have made me invest a bit more emotionally instead of going all Bugs Bunny on me. Again, I know that your book made you do it, but it didn’t really go down very cool there, either.
And don’t get me started on your final scenes with You-Know-Who. While I loved your zoom-a-zoom-zoom flight and the wand battle, I really think you could have come up with a better way to make Voldemort go kablooey. I mean, dusting him like a vamp on Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Really? You couldn’t summon some fire or something a bit more visual? With all your training, I just expected more from you, Harry.
But, like Miley Cyrus says, I should follow up all the things I didn’t like with the stuff I did like. Like Professor McGonagall excitedly kicking ass. The students’ rising hope when you arrive to save the day. The surprisingly good 3D and the Harry Potter glasses you had to wear to enjoy it. Your well-played determination. Bellatrix’s corset mishap. Neville Longbottom’s many heroic moments. Ron and Hermoine’s cheesy kiss. The close-up of what happens to the Elder Wand in the Dark Lord’s hand. Those plaid pants that one Death Eater was wearing. You without a shirt.
See? It’s not all bad! You just needed a big ending for your epic story, and, well, you didn’t quite deliver on that as best you could. But there was still plenty to love, both in Deathly Hallows and in our overall relationship. And that’s why I’m sad today, Harry. Because even though I know it’s time to say goodbye, it’s going to be rough. You’ve been such a great companion for more than a decade, I mean, you’ve inspired more than one strange trip into a leaky cauldron, and you were always there for those 3 a.m. booty calls when I couldn’t sleep.
But now you’ll have to be just one of many boys in my history. You’ve got Ginny now, and Percy Jackson has been showing me off to his friends, so that’s cool. You and I will get together for dinner sometimes, and we’ll talk about our fabulous adventures over Butterbeer. But Merlin’s beard, I’m going to miss you!
“I open at the close.”